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Dave Barry

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  1. 1.4 hrs • Mar/07/2017 • Unabridged

    If you’ve ever suffered through a Passover Seder, you’re well aware of the fact that the entire evening can feel like we’re still in bondage. There are endless stories, frequent hand washing, and not enough eating. The book you hold before you is no ordinary Haggadah. For This We Left Egypt? is a hilarious and entertaining parody from the comedic minds of Dave Barry, Alan Zweibel, and Adam Mansbach. These award-winning comedy writers take you through every step of the Seder, from getting rid of all the chametz in your house by setting it on fire with a standard blowtorch (preferably outdoors), to breaking the middle matzah (that is, if you can find a piece that isn’t already broken), to a hilariously absurd retelling of the Passover story featuring Pharaoh Schmuck, a burning bush that sounds kind of like Morgan Freeman, and the Promised Land which turned out not to be a land of milk and honey but rather one of rocks and venomous scorpions the size of Yorkshire terriers. Also included are useless commentary, absurd two-color illustrations, and thought-provoking discussion questions throughout such as: Is Manischewitz considered a plague? Publishing just in time for Passover, this book will be the perfect gift book from G-d that you’ll want to share and laugh over with friends and family.

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  2. 4.4 hrs • Apr/26/2016 • Unabridged

    Last year, Wyatt Palmer was the hero of middle school, having foiled a plot against the president of the United States. But now he and his friends are in Coral Cove High School—home of the Fighting Conchs—and Wyatt is no longer a hero: He’s just another undersized freshman, hoping to fit in, or at least not be unpopular. Things start to go wrong when Matt Diaz, who is Wyatt's best friend but also unfortunately an idiot, decides to bring his pet ferret, Frank, to school. Through an unfortunate series of events Frank ends up in the hands of the Bevin brothers, who are the most popular boys at Coral Cove High, but are also, as Matt soon discovers, the nastiest. When Wyatt and Matt try to get Frank back, they concoct a plan to attend a party for the cool clique at the Bevin's waterfront mansion and stumble onto the Bevin family's dark and deadly secret. That’s when Wyatt learns that some things are worse than being unpopular in high school. MUCH worse.

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    The Worst Night Ever

    Read by Todd Haberkorn
    4.4 hrs • Apr/26/2016 • Unabridged
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  3. 4.0 hrs • May/05/2015 • Unabridged

    In this hilarious novel written in the voice of eighth-grader Wyatt Palmer, Dave Barry takes us on a class trip to Washington, DC.Wyatt, his best friend Matt and a few kids from Culver Middle School find themselves in a heap of trouble—not just with their teachers, who have long lost patience with them—but from several mysterious men they first meet on their flight to the nation’s capital. In a fast-paced adventure with the monuments as a backdrop, the kids try to stay out of danger and out of the doghouse while trying to save the president from attack—or maybe not.

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    The Worst Class Trip Ever

    Read by Todd Haberkorn
    4.0 hrs • May/05/2015 • Unabridged
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  4. 3.6 hrs • Mar/03/2015 • Unabridged

    An uproariously funny examination of what one generation can teach to another—or not—from the Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times bestselling author of You Can Date Boys When You’re Forty and Insane CityDuring the course of living (mumble, mumble) years, Dave Barry has gained much wisdom (actual wisdom not guaranteed), and he is eager to pass it on—to the next generation, the generation after that, and those idiots who make driving to the grocery store in Florida a death-defying experience. In brilliant, brand-new, never-before-published pieces, Dave passes on home truths to his new grandson and to his daughter, Sophie (who will be getting her learner’s permit in 2015, the thought of which scares Dave silly). He explores the hometown of his youth, when all the men went to the city in suits and hats but still seemed to be having un-Mad Men-like fun and how they turned into the neurotic hover-parents of today. He dives into everything from Google Glass (bottom line: you feel like an idiot) to why men hate birthdays and anniversaries; from how to speak Spanish to firsthand accounts of the soccer craziness of Brazil and the just-plain-crazy craziness of Putin’s Russia, and a lot more besides. By the end, if you do not feel wiser, richer in knowledge, and more attuned to the universe … it wouldn’t be surprising. But you’ll have had a lot to laugh about.

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  5. 3.4 hrs • Mar/04/2014 • Unabridged

    A brilliantly funny exploration of the twin mysteries of parenthood and families from the Pulitzer Prize winner and New York Times bestselling author of Insane City In his New York Times bestselling I’ll Mature When I’m Dead, Dave Barry embarked on the treacherous seas of adulthood, to hilarious results. What comes next? Parenthood, of course, and families. In uproarious, brand-new pieces, Barry tackles everything from family trips, bat mitzvah parties, and dating (he’s serious about that title: “When my daughter can legally commence dating—February 24, 2040—I intend to monitor her closely, even if I am deceased”) to funeral instructions (“I would like my eulogy to be given by William Shatner”), the differences between male and female friendships, the deeper meaning of Fifty Shades of Grey, and a father’s ultimate sacrifice: accompanying his daughter to a Justin Bieber concert (“It turns out that the noise teenaged girls make to express happiness is the same noise they would make if their feet were being gnawed off by badgers”). Let’s face it: families not only enrich our lives every day, they drive us completely around the bend. Thank goodness we have Dave Barry as our guide!

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    You Can Date Boys When You're Forty

    Read by Dave Barry
    3.4 hrs • Mar/04/2014 • Unabridged
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  6. 8.0 hrs • Jan/29/2013 • Unabridged

    Seth Weinstein always knew Tina was way, way, way out of his league. Which is why he’s still astonished that he’s on a plane heading for their wedding in Florida. The Groom Posse has already pulled an airport prank on him—and he’s survived! It should be easy going from now on.But Seth has absolutely no idea what he’s about to get into. A simple drink or two with the boys sparks a series of events that will pit Seth and his friends against everything and everyone imaginable, from his very powerful, very disapproving soon-to-be father-in-law to the federal government to a love-struck orangutan.Seth’s hope for smooth sailing is turning into a trip on the Titanic. And the water is getting deeper by the minute…From the Trade Paperback edition.

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    Insane City

    Read by The Gza, Dave Barry
    8.0 hrs • Jan/29/2013 • Unabridged
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  7. 7.1 hrs • Jan/10/2012 • Unabridged

    One of them is a bestselling, Pulitzer Prize–winning humorist. The other is a winner of the Thurber Prize for American Humor. Together, they form the League of Comic Justice, battling evildoers in the name of … Okay, we made that line up. What they do form is a writing team of pure comic genius, and they will have you laughing like idiots. Philip Horkman is a happy man—the owner of a pet store called The Wine Shop, and on Sundays a referee for kids’ soccer. Jeffrey Peckerman is the sole sane person in a world filled with goddamned jerks and morons, and he’s having a really bad day. The two of them are about to collide in a swiftly escalating series of events that will send them running for their lives, pursued by the police, soldiers, terrorists, subversives, bears, and a man dressed as Chuck E. Cheese. Where that all takes them you can’t begin to guess, but the literary journey there is a masterpiece of inspiration and mayhem. But what else would you expect from the League of Comic Justice?

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    Lunatics

    7.1 hrs • Jan/10/2012 • Unabridged
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  8. 10.8 hrs • Aug/09/2011 • Unabridged

    Aidan and Sarah Cooper have no idea what they’re getting into one afternoon when they discover a mysterious coded document in a secret compartment of an antique English desk their father recently bought at an auction. Something about the document seems familiar to Sarah, and that night she realizes what it is: the document seems to be referring to some books she has read — the Starcatchers series, about the origin of Peter Pan. But how could that be? The document seems far older than the books. And of course, the books are just stories. . . . Curious, Sarah and Aidan begin to decipher the mysterious document. At first it’s a game —unraveling the mystery piece by piece, each piece leading them to a new, deeper puzzle. But soon the game turns strange — and scary. They discover that the “stories” are real, and that what they thought was a fictional battle between good and evil is still going on. And the scariest part is: They have become part of it. Pursued by a being that can take any form and will stop at nothing to get what it wants from them, Aidan and Sarah embark on a desperate, thrilling quest for help — a quest that leads them to some unforgettable people in some unlikely places, including one that’s not supposed to exist at all. At each step they must solve new puzzles and escape new dangers, all the while knowing that if they fail, the evil they are fleeing will be let loose on an unsuspecting world.

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    The Bridge to Never Land

    Read by MacLeod Andrews
    10.8 hrs • Aug/09/2011 • Unabridged
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  9. 4.3 hrs • May/04/2010 • Unabridged

    A brilliantly funny exploration of the treacherous state of adulthood by the Pulitzer Prize–winning humorist. Some people may wonder what this subject has to do with Dave Barry, since Dave’s struggled hard against growing up his entire life—but the result is one of the funniest, warmest, most pitch-perfect books ever on that mystifying territory we call “adulthood.” In hilarious, brand-new pieces, Dave tackles everything from fatherhood, new fatherhood (Over the next five years, you will spend roughly forty-five minutes, total, listening to songs you like, and roughly 127,000 hours to songs exploring topics such as how the horn on the bus goes*), self-image, the battle of the sexes, celebrityhood, technology, parenting styles, certain unmentionable medical procedures (There is absolutely no reason to be afraid of a vasectomy, except that: THEY CUT A HOLE IN YOUR SCROTUM.), and much more. It is a book of pure delight from the man one newspaper claimed “could become the most important American humorist since Mark Twain” (South Florida Sun-Sentinel)…though, frankly, we think they were indulging in some adult beverages at the time.    *It goes: “Beep! Beep! Beep!”

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    I'll Mature When I'm Dead

    Read by Dave Barry
    4.3 hrs • May/04/2010 • Unabridged
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  10. 7.2 hrs • Sep/17/2008 • Unabridged

    In his career, Dave Barry has done just about everything - written bestselling nonfiction, won a Pulitzer Prize, seen his life turned into a television series. And now, at last, he has joined the long list of literary figures from Jane Austen to Tolstoy who have made the transition from humor columnist to novelist - and done it with a style and inventiveness that establishes that, yes, he is very good at that, too. In the city of Coconut Grove, Florida, these things happen: A struggling adman named Eliot Arnold drives home from a meeting with the Client From Hell. His teenage son, Matt, fills his Squirtmaster 9000 for his turn at a high school game called Killer. Matt's intended victim, Jenny Herk, sits down in front of the TV with her mom for what she hopes will be a peaceful evening - for once. Jenny's alcoholic and secretly embezzling stepfather, Arthur, emerges from the maid's room, angry at being rebuffed - again. Henry and Leonard, two hit men from New Jersey, pull up to the Herks' house for a real game of Killer - Arthur's embezzlement apparently not having been quite so secret to his employers after all. And a homeless man named Puggy settles down for the night in a treehouse just inside the Herks' yard. In a few minutes, a chain of events that will change the lives of each and every one of them will begin, and will leave some of them wiser, some of them deader, and some of them definitely looking for a new line of work. With a wicked wit, razor-sharp observations, rich characters, and a plot with more twists than the Inland Waterway, Dave Barry makes his debut a complete and utter triumph.

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    Big Trouble

    Read by Dick Hill
    7.2 hrs • Sep/17/2008 • Unabridged
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  11. 2.4 hrs • Sep/16/2008 • Unabridged

    When an earthquake strikes Never Land Island, things begin to go terribly wrong. A mysterious barrel washes ashore and falls into the hands of Captain Hook, who hatches an evil plan.The once-peaceful mermaids, who have always been friends to the natives, have turned violent. When the mermaids injure some members of the Mollusk tribe, the warriors have no choice but to fight back.Meanwhile, the boys and Shining Pearl and Little Scallop set off on a secret mission to try to make peace with the mermaids. Instead, they’re captured, and while in captivity they discover the cause of the problem—Blood Tide is poisoning the lagoon and will eventually kill the mermaids.With time running out, the children must figure out a way to save the mermaids and to stop Captain Hook, whose plan threatens to destroy the Mollusk village and change life on Never Land Island forever.

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    Blood Tide

    Read by Jim Dale
    2.4 hrs • Sep/16/2008 • Unabridged
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  12. 4.5 hrs • Sep/17/2007 • Unabridged

    A brilliantly funny exploration of the tumultuous recent past from the Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist.

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    Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

    4.5 hrs • Sep/17/2007 • Unabridged
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  13. 2.7 hrs • Jul/17/2007 • Unabridged

    While Peter is away from the island, James and the other Lost Boys discover a mysterious cave. Shining Pearl and her sister, Little Scallop, warn the boys that the cave is a dangerous place, inhabited by a creature known as the Goat Taker - a beast so scary that even the Mollusk tribe fears it. But the boys can’t resist trying to discover the cave’s secrets. When the first of those secrets turns out to be a tantalizing hint of a famous haunted treasure, Captain Hook and his band of cutthroat pirates quickly join the hunt. Before long, the children are fleeing for their lives in a dark and deadly underground labyrinth…and their only hope of escape is to solve the mystery of the Cave of the Dark Wind.

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    Cave of the Dark Wind

    Read by Jim Dale
    2.7 hrs • Jul/17/2007 • Unabridged
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  14. 1.1 hrs • Nov/07/2006 • Unabridged

    “My name is Doug Barnes, and this stuff happened on Christmas Eve in my town, which is Asquont, New York.”The year is 1960, and, as it is every year, the Christmas pageant at St. John’s Episcopal Church, directed by Mrs. Elkins—who used to be in “the Theater” in New York, and who is tall and skinny, with hair the color of the orange part of a candy corn—is a very big deal. Doug is a shepherd this year, which is better than being a “Three King,” because, for one thing, you get to carry a stick.But there are problems everywhere. Doug’s fellow shepherds are hacking around, which makes Mrs. Elkins yell at all of them; the girl he likes is playing Mary opposite a Joseph who is depressingly smart and athletic and cute; the family dog is doing very poorly, and they have no idea what they’re going to tell Doug’s little sister, Becky, who’s playing one of the Host of Angels and who loves the dog more than anything; and his dad’s just gotten a flat tire, which means they might not even get to the pageant at all.But Christmas is a time of miracles. And for Doug and his family, this will be the most miraculous Christmas of all.Dave Barry has been delighting readers for decades with his newspaper columns, nonfiction, novels for adults, and novels for children, but this book is something special: a story for all ages that will touch the heart and make you laugh out loud. And you may never look at a manger scene the same way again.

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  15. 1.9 hrs • Sep/01/2006 • Unabridged

    Little Scallop should be happy. She’s a princess of the Mollusk tribe, rulers of beautiful Mollusk Island. And she has two fun friends - Aqua and Surf - who just happen to be mermaids. But Little Scallop is bored. Her warrior brothers are allowed to do exciting things, like spying on the pirates who live on the other side of the island. Little Scallop longs to have a real adventure. When Aqua and Surf invite her to go pearl-diving - even though she knows she shouldn’t - she can’t resist. So late one night, she sneaks off into forbidden waters with Aqua and Surf. That’s when the trouble starts - they run into a fierce storm and a strange ship sailed by men who would love to capture a mermaid. Soon, Little Scallop is caught up in the adventure she always wanted. The question is: can she and her friends get out of it?

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    Escape from the Carnivale

    Read by Jim Dale
    1.9 hrs • Sep/01/2006 • Unabridged
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  16. 5.5 hrs • Jan/17/2006 • Unabridged

    Did you ever wish that you really understood money? Well, Dave Barry wishes that he did, too. But that hasn’t stopped him from writing a book about how to understand money. In it, Dave explores (as only he can) such topics as: · How the U.S. economy works, including the often-overlooked role of Adam Sandler. · Why it is not a good idea to use squirrels for money. · Strategies that will give you the confidence you need to try for a good job, even though you are, let's be honest, a no-talent loser. · Why corporate executives, simply by walking into their offices, immediately become much stupider. · An absolutely foolproof system for making money in the stock market, requiring only a little effort (and access to time travel). · Surefire tips for buying and selling real estate, the key one being: Never buy, or for that matter sell, real estate. · How to minimize your federal taxes, safely and legally, by cheating. · Why good colleges cost so much, and how to make sure your child does not get into one. · How to reduce the cost of your medical care by basically not getting any. · Estate planning, especially the often-overlooked financial benefits of early death. But that's only the beginning! Dave has also included in this book all of the important points in a book written by Donald Trump, so you don't have to read it yourself. Plus he explains how to tip; how to negotiate for everything, including bridge tolls; how to argue with your spouse about money; and how much allowance to give your children (three dollars is plenty). He also presents, for the first time in print anywhere, the Car Dealership Code of Ethics ("Ethic Seven: The customer is an idiot"). Also there are many gratuitous references to Angelina Jolie naked. You can't afford NOT to buy this book! Probably you need several.

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    Dave Barry's Money Secrets

    Read by Dick Hill
    5.5 hrs • Jan/17/2006 • Unabridged
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